


I’m so sorry, I failed you

by parchmentandpencils



Category: Nevermoor Series - Jessica Townsend
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/F, Riots, TW for blood, fluff at the start ig, im sorry, oh god so much angst, tw, tw for violence, uhhhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:14:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28921170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parchmentandpencils/pseuds/parchmentandpencils
Summary: Uh. Well.I’m sorry.
Relationships: Anah Kahlo/Thaddea Macleod
Comments: 14
Kudos: 17





	1. “You could never fail me”

It had finally happened. Not that Thaddea wasn’t thrilled. A riot wasn’t something you saw in Nevermoor every day. And for who? Morrigan. As much as Thaddea had grown up believing that all Wundersmiths were evil, the fact that Morrigan was in her unit and was actually quite a nice person made her want to overcome this. Furthermore, she couldn’t fault Morrigan for accidentally starting a riot, she was actually pretty excited for it. She’d always relied on her fists and sheer strength, and a fight always filled her with adrenaline.

However, it didn’t stop Anah from calling her a risk-taker every time she went to fight, and inspecting her from top to bottom every time she returned from one. Thaddea shook her head fondly as she thought of her girlfriend. Anah would definitely disapprove of this but Thaddea couldn’t blame her if she was being honest. After all, she’d probably be worried sick if their roles were reversed.

Speaking of….

“What do you think you’re doing?”

Thaddea turned guilty eyes to her girlfriend, who was staring at her from the doorway. She couldn’t exactly deny going out as she was stood topless in the room, with her shirt in the other hand and fight armour laid out on the bed.

“Uhhhh…”

“You’re going out to the riot, aren’t you?” Anah’s voice held nothing but betrayal and worry. “You’ve been lucky before, but you could get hurt or worse! Thaddea, this isn’t your fights in the ring! Please don’t go.”

Thaddea slung the shirt onto the bed, right on top of the armour, and stepped towards Anah, cupping her face with her hands and placing a kiss on her forehead.

“I promise I’ll come home. Don’t worry, love. I’ll come back to you.” 

* * *

There were small fights breaking out around the Hotel Deucalion when Thaddea got there. The offenders were mainly reporters who were pushing forward with pens and paper, ready to take notes as soon as possible, and Thaddea immediately spotted a mass of ginger hair. Morrigan’s patron, if she remembered right. There was also a shock of curly brown hair, alongside two heads of black hair, and they were all standing inside, almost out of sight. Morrigan looked resigned to the reporters trying to come in, and she attempted to take a step forward only to have the large doors slam in her face, blocking Thaddea’s view. She snorted. Even the hotel knew what an idiot Morrigan could be if it involved her patron and the general safety of the people she cared about.

Thaddea locked eyes with a reporter and a predatory smile crossed her face, before she pulled someone away from the crowd who was pressing in on the hotel and its staff, and tossed them into a tree. Game on.

* * *

Thaddea had managed to toss away about ten members of the press before people converged on her. 

“Miss Macleod, is Morrigan Crow dangerous?”

“Do you think she should be exiled from the Wundrous Society?”

“Is she cruel and forbidding?”

“Do you think the Elders are being lax?”

“PISS OFF!” Thaddea roared as she pushed three people out of her face. “Morrigan is my sister in all but blood, now piss  _ off _ .”

With that, she ran to the Deucalion doors and caught Jupiter’s eye. He looked startled but flashed a grin at her as they linked arms to form a barrier. Thaddea gave a small smile back and managed to push them back a little before a few more people entered the grounds and ran to join the crowd who were already using all of Thaddea’s strength to be kept back. 

One of the strange newcomers had clearly come prepared, as they pushed their way over to Jupiter and dragged him away from the people guarding the Deucalion. A flash of silver caught her eye as he fought the new person all the way.

“Give me Morrigan Crow or Jupiter North will die.”

* * *

The mobs and the staff all froze, not knowing what to do. There was complete silence for a few moments as they all comprehended the threat to the life of one of their own. Jupiter, for his part, looked remarkably composed and slightly amused as the masked person held the knife to Jupiter’s throat in an incredibly clichéd move. Thaddea knew that the loss of Morrigan’s patron would destroy her, so she subtly maneuvered around the back of the crowd in a well-practised move she’d had to practice under the eye of Brutilus Brown. 

She crept around a tree and tapped the intruder on the shoulder, thanking every deity that existed that she’d been able to gain the element of surprise. The intruder was dimwitted enough that he didn’t bring Jupiter with him, and an elegant woman in a flowing dress pulled Jupiter back to them. And then Thaddea punched the offender in the jaw.

“So you think you’re tough, don’t you, little girl,” they taunted, almost causing Thaddea to strike him relentlessly before she calmed herself. Fighting skills were always worse if you were high-strung.

“You’d know all about pretending to be tough, wouldn’t you?” Thaddea sneered, gesturing to the bandanna covering the lower half of the other’s face, obscuring their identity.

“Be quiet on things you don’t know, little  _ girl.” _

Thaddea raised an eyebrow. “I still reckon I know more than you.”

The stranger growled and charged sloppily at Thaddea. She sidestepped them and they went hurtling forward, but regained their footing quickly. She jabbed them in the side as they went past and they howled in pain, clutching their side.

“Still a “little girl”?” She taunted.

This time they raised the knife as they charged at Thaddea, and swerved as she moved, punching her square in the jaw. In return, she kneed them in the stomach and swept their legs out from underneath them, causing them to fall on the knife’s flat edge. But then they turned it into a roll and got to their feet, charging at Thaddea yet again. She sighed and met them head on.

As she was aiming punches at their head, of which they’d dodged about half, she failed to remember the most important rule of fighting—always keep your eyes on your opponent. The stranger had taken the knife back out from behind their back and plunged it straight into Thaddea’s stomach.

* * *

There was a cry of shock as Thaddea fell, that she thought sounded quite familiar to her detached mind. There was a similar cry of rage as she saw a bolt of lightning striking the person who’d stabbed her. Morrigan, then. She felt, rather than saw, a few people crouching around her, and her head was pulled onto someone’s lap. Thaddea’s eyes fluttered open to reveal Anah’s face hovering over hers, tears dripping onto her face. Yet Thaddea still thought Anah was the most beautiful person that she’d seen.

“H-hey.”

“Don’t talk,” Anah scolded her gently, although the effect was ruined by the soft gasps escaping both their lips, one from crying and one from struggling to breathe.

“I-I’m sorry. I couldn’t come back to you. I failed.”

“You most certainly did not fail, Thaddea Macleod!” Anah sobbed. “I love you so so much, and you have never once failed me.”

“Kiss me once m-more?”

“Like you even have to ask.”

And then Thaddea’s lips were on Anah’s, and they were kissing each other, and it was full of sorrow and all the feelings they could not share anymore because they were both dying inside. 

“I- you realise I can’t carry on without you?” Anah breathed, tears falling silently.

“Y-You have to. Don’t stop b-because of me.”

“I have no choice.”

Thaddea reached forward silently to pull the knife out of her stomach, even as Morrigan, Hawthorne and Cadence all lunged forward to stop her from doing it.

“Thaddea,  _ no!” _

“T-too late,” she said with a breathless laugh, and she laughed and laughed for a good minute because she wouldn’t be able to laugh anymore and  _ fuck why did it hurt so much _ ?

Morrigan had her hands over the wound and was trying to focus on sealing it shut, but the Wunder wouldn’t come and she had to drop her arms, sobbing anew in Cadence’s arms.

The rest of Unit 919 had arrived and they all had to suppress gasps at the sight of Thaddea bleeding out on the floor.

“T-Thaddea?” Lam spoke first, her name a choked whisper that passed her lips as she dropped to her knees beside her fellow unitmate.

“I-I’m sorry. I-I don’t...I didn’t…”

“Lam. Do you see anything?” Arch whispered as he dropped to the ground beside her.

Lam only started silently crying, and the rest of them dropped their heads at the realisation that everything was lost.

“I-I’m so  _ useless,  _ I don’t have  _ anything  _ to help my girlfriend. I’m meant to be a nurse but what’s th-the use if I can’t save her?” Anah’s shoulders heaved with emotion and Hawthorne drew her into a hug, holding her against him as she held Thaddea.

* * *

Thaddea’s ragged breathing slowed and finally stopped ever so gradually as they all mourned the loss of their bold, passionate unit member. Anah was the first to notice and she stopped breathing for a minute as she held her hand over Thaddea’s mouth to check. And then she screamed.

“NO! THADDEA YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME! I HAD EVERYTHING PLANNED FOR US! YOU CAN’T LEAVE LIKE THIS! COME BACK! WE WERE GONNA MOVE IN WHEN WE WERE OLDER AND ADOPT KIDS AND HAVE A FAMILY AND GO TRAVELLING AND FINISH WUNSOC AND YOU’RE GOING TO BE  _ FINE!” _

Francis, who was quiet until that moment, crept around to the other side of Anah, who had peeled herself away from Hawthorne to try and get Thaddea to breathe again, and cupped her face, just like Thaddea had done that morning. That morning….

It had felt so long ago.

“She- She can’t be gone…. Francis. She  _ can’t. _ ”

The tears running down his face confirmed it for her and she collapsed sobbing on the ground. 

Morrigan and Cadence had been intercepted by Jupiter, who lead them into the hotel to prepare a room for Thaddea. It was on one of the lower floors, and it looked way too sterile for a body. The Hotel had evidently decided not to change anything, as it remained a normal room even as they brought Thaddea in and laid her on the bed, her red hair fanning out on the pillow. Now, she looked like she was merely sleeping.

* * *

“I’m...I’m so sorry,” Anah whispered to Thaddea’s closed door later that day. She fled.


	2. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's shorter, but leaves a reall y loose ending so yall can interpret it as you wish :]

A month. It had been a month since Thaddea had died, and the world had stopped turning for Unit 919. Dearborn and Murgatroyd had both been more ruthless and had threatened to fail them all, but the fact remained that there was a gaping hole in their group that only Thaddea could fill. She had been their sister-in-arms or their girlfriend, and the loss of her filled the group with more silence that they could bear. Anah had taken to carrying a photo of Thaddea and her around in her pocket and she cried every time she saw it. The adults who cared agreed that they would all need counselling of some sort, but they were all too weary to want to do so. They were spiralling and only Thaddea could pull them out. Only Thaddea could stop them from drowning. But they didn't have Thaddea. She was gone, and she would never return. 

The murderer had already been caught and executed for crimes against a society member, which was truly a shame because they all would have liked to have a round against them. The fact that the murderer was dead was a relief to all of them, though. However, it could only dampen the events of last month by so much. 

* * *

It was on one of their bad days that Anah went to visit Thaddea's grave. She clutched a bunch of freesias with both hands as she neared the graveyard, and her hands began to tremble as she reached the row that her love was buried. She squeezed the flower stems tighter as she fell to her knees beside the grave, crawling over to place them before curling up next to it, staring at her hands. The ones that failed. 

_What did one say to a grave?_

"H-Hey Thaddea." Anah gave a shaky laugh and clenched her fists, feeling the pain that kept her grounded, kept her from falling into the void in herself that threatened to swallow her. 

"I...I missed you today. We were in our decoding Nevermoor lesson and the teacher paired us all up and…and commented that now we'd have equal pairs. Mahir punched him in the jaw." She took a trembling breath and willed her heart to slow. 

"He had his head shaved. Mahir, I mean. We were all laughing but it's not genuine anymore, you know? We'll laugh and we'll cry, but the sadness has overtaken us and we need you." A tear trickled slowly down Anah's cheek as she spoke. "Why? Why did you choose death over life? Why didn't you let us take you to hospital? Why did…" 

_Why did you die?_

It was a question that Anah had asked herself hundreds of times, one that provided no answers, one that glared at her every time she shut her eyes and tried to sleep. It constricted her lungs and made her unable to breathe. 

"I can't do anything without you. I… I have to join you now. I can't do this anymore." 

"And what about us?" A voice spoke from behind Anah. She whipped her head around to see the rest of her unit members. Cadence stalked forward a little before losing her bravado and crumpling to the ground before Anah. 

"We can't lose you too. Thaddea was… was hard enough, but if you die, we'll lose it. You can't leave us too, not if you have a choice." 

Hawthorne was the next to drop to the floor, meeting Anah's eyes with darkened blue ones. "We'll go to counselling together, we'll finish Wunsoc, we'll move in together, and if we still can't do it, I give us all the permission to jump off the roof of the Deucalion and end it." And join Thaddea. 

"We're weak on our own, we're stronger together," Francis murmured as he fell to his knees, staring at the headstone. 

"We live and we die together." This time it was Arch and Mahir, speaking in unison before joining them on the floor. 

"Nine above others, nine above blood," Lam quoted. 

"Bonded forever through fire and flood," Morrigan finished with a wan smile. 

Anah's voice rang weakly out across the mostly empty graveyard, uttering a single word.

"Together?" 

The rest of the unit clasped hands and shared nods before replying. 

"Together." 


End file.
